Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Another Great Morning
Another no sleep night. I need to love myself instead of loving someone else. Guess it would help if I didn't see myself as a big piece of shit. I can't even look in the mirror without thinking poorly of the man I see. Guess the ex and I agree on that at least.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
6 feet ain't so far down
Creed - One Last Breath
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Chorus
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out 'Heaven save me'
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Chorus (Repeat Twice)
I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking...
Chorus (Repeat Twice)
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
I wish you cared to come hold me. I wish I didn't feel the need for you to hold me but I do. I'm surrounded by the same past as you. I'm not thinking of the bad times but I'm looking at the good times. So many smiles made between you and I. This hurts. I'd cry out if I thought you would hear. Maybe 6 feet ain't so far. I am not going to step into the shallow 6 feet. I may not have you holding me but I do feel too heavy to move. I'm heavy with guilt over how I've made you and the children feel. I can't do it again with them waiting for me. 6 feet ain't so far down, but I can't let them see that. I want you to hold me, but they need me to hold them. I'm down to one last breath. I want to whisper your name. My lips part to let out your name and I hear my name. I hear them calling to me. I'm stuck looking down with your name on my lips and I can feel their arms wrapping around me. Stay Daddy. please.
311 - Beyond the Grey Sky
This is a Myspace blog from Dec 5th. Guess I forgot to place it over here.
311 - Beyond the Gray Sky
It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through
Light a candle for the dead
The wick is burning returning what we have
It's who we are
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star
Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even
if you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky
Light a candle...
The wick...
It's who we are...
One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky
I can't believe you didn't call
What made you want to end it all
Wasn't there something I should have tried
To help you see beyond the gray sky
Here I am again.
Each day is another day looking for a reason to continue caring for another day. I am so grateful to my friends who have let me lean on them when I am feeling at my lowest. I'm sad to say that my lowest is becoming my normal. It is a chore to put on a smile and approach the world like a "normal" person. There are times when I feel happy. When Ifeel as normal as I remember I used to feel.
What I am figuring out is that these "happy"times are quickly and almost instantly followed by deep down times. One visualor one stray though of my ex or kids is all it seems to take to remind me of everythingI threw away. Everything I gave up.
I can see the clear blue beyond the gray sky. It's on the horizon. The warm sun-light is not blocked by the thick blanket of storm clouds. I can see it and remember what that warmth felt like. I can recall the heat on my skin just as I recall the heat from my kids as we sat and watched TV together. The clear blue sky. Behind me. It's harder to see every day. The memory of that warm sun is becoming less comforting each day. It's a sharp reminder of what I've fucked away.
I first recall feeling this way in the brig. Standing outside in the sun felt warm and comfortable. I'd imagine taking my kids to the beach & watching them play in the sand or running from the waves. Things I couldn't see agian. I took those future memories from my kids and can never return them. Someone else gets to share those sunrays with my family. I can see beyond the gray sky and I see that I am not in it with my family.
The pain of another is what keeps me here. The pain I have caused family and friends is my anchor to this hell. How can the spiritual hell be any worse then what I am feeling now? I find comfort in the gray sky now. It is a protective barrier from the pain of my memories. To forget is my only chance to move on. The clear blue is not welcome.
I will continue to put on a smile and walk among the living as an empty shell. I have given everything I had to a future that will never be. My future is comprised of knowing I'm being watched and evaluated. My future will always be empty and meaningless compared to the past. Jail is my future. Even if it's not a physical jail, as in San Diego's county jail, it will be a jail comprised of restrictions and limits on my fatherly abilities. I have given up the right to father my children and there is no way to get that back. How can I erase or minimize what I have shown them? I will always be their biological father but I gave up my status as their Mother's love and the man that is constantly in their lives. I am a weekend dad. I have become a choir to them. "Call your Dad" is another thing they have to do before brushing their teeth.
They already have forgotten that I am supposed to be with them. I have already lost them to the distance between us. They no longer feel the need to kiss me good night or look for me when they wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not there to kiss their boo-boos or hold them when they have their feelings hurt over a toy. I don't get to see their faces when they come running to show off their latest accomplishment. I don't see them smile at me as they walk out of their classrooms. I don't get to kiss their cheeks as they sleep and watch them smile their dreamy happiness as I whisper how proud I am of them. How can anything replace that? How? What fucking word can be spoken to make that memory go away? Go take your words and fuck yourself.
What makes me want to end it all? If that is still a question you have please feel free to leave.
I do not write this for attention. This is my therapy. I'm tired of knowing people hide their true feelings to keep from being judged by others. Judge me. I already have and I have found myself guilty of failing to up hold basic human requirements of providing for my family. I've all but taken my kid's future from them. San Diego will place me in jail and the Navy will kick me out before I retire in August. My kids will not get free college tuition and will lose their medical coverage. I won't be paying child support for a few months as I will be in jail and have no job for months after Iam released. My kids and the love of my life will suffer even more because of it. Yup. A future to be proud of.
I have taken the hurt that I felt and spread it like the plague to those I love most in this world. Fuck that's awesome! I couldn't handle the anger of one woman and ended up fucking-over her and my kids. Great.
So the pain of another is what keeps me here. I've done enough to my mother and sisters. I've placed my well being in the hands of others. If I feel down, I reach out. If? When. Want proof? I've reached out so often to those who offered to help me that I have used up my monthly cell minutes in a week and a half.
I am finally getting mental health for all of this and hope that I can surpress this worthless feeling enough to keep me from burning out my friends. I already feel my kids tiring of talking to me on the phone and know my ex never wants to talk to me again. I just want to make it a day without remembering what I used to be. I need the gray sky to cover the top of the mountain that used to be my life. I don't mind being stuck in this valley of emotions as long as I can't see the top of the mountains. Being reminded of the good times isn't so good anymore.
I have put on my happy face again. See. =) even =D I'm fine. Just needed to vent to no-one. Just wanted to talk to myself in public. I have to get used to it. People put more money in the cans of those who seem a bit touched. See, I'm already thinking of thefuture. I'm already thinking of my next job as a homeless bum laying next to the Starbucks in downtown San Diego. I'll smile my toothless smile while mumbling to my "kids" only I can see. I won't even feel the sunshine on my skin. That way I won't think of my real kids and lose my smile. People don't give as much money to the unhappy bums. That's just how it is.
311 - Beyond the Gray Sky
It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through
Light a candle for the dead
The wick is burning returning what we have
It's who we are
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star
Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even
if you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky
Light a candle...
The wick...
It's who we are...
One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky
I can't believe you didn't call
What made you want to end it all
Wasn't there something I should have tried
To help you see beyond the gray sky
Here I am again.
Each day is another day looking for a reason to continue caring for another day. I am so grateful to my friends who have let me lean on them when I am feeling at my lowest. I'm sad to say that my lowest is becoming my normal. It is a chore to put on a smile and approach the world like a "normal" person. There are times when I feel happy. When Ifeel as normal as I remember I used to feel.
What I am figuring out is that these "happy"times are quickly and almost instantly followed by deep down times. One visualor one stray though of my ex or kids is all it seems to take to remind me of everythingI threw away. Everything I gave up.
I can see the clear blue beyond the gray sky. It's on the horizon. The warm sun-light is not blocked by the thick blanket of storm clouds. I can see it and remember what that warmth felt like. I can recall the heat on my skin just as I recall the heat from my kids as we sat and watched TV together. The clear blue sky. Behind me. It's harder to see every day. The memory of that warm sun is becoming less comforting each day. It's a sharp reminder of what I've fucked away.
I first recall feeling this way in the brig. Standing outside in the sun felt warm and comfortable. I'd imagine taking my kids to the beach & watching them play in the sand or running from the waves. Things I couldn't see agian. I took those future memories from my kids and can never return them. Someone else gets to share those sunrays with my family. I can see beyond the gray sky and I see that I am not in it with my family.
The pain of another is what keeps me here. The pain I have caused family and friends is my anchor to this hell. How can the spiritual hell be any worse then what I am feeling now? I find comfort in the gray sky now. It is a protective barrier from the pain of my memories. To forget is my only chance to move on. The clear blue is not welcome.
I will continue to put on a smile and walk among the living as an empty shell. I have given everything I had to a future that will never be. My future is comprised of knowing I'm being watched and evaluated. My future will always be empty and meaningless compared to the past. Jail is my future. Even if it's not a physical jail, as in San Diego's county jail, it will be a jail comprised of restrictions and limits on my fatherly abilities. I have given up the right to father my children and there is no way to get that back. How can I erase or minimize what I have shown them? I will always be their biological father but I gave up my status as their Mother's love and the man that is constantly in their lives. I am a weekend dad. I have become a choir to them. "Call your Dad" is another thing they have to do before brushing their teeth.
They already have forgotten that I am supposed to be with them. I have already lost them to the distance between us. They no longer feel the need to kiss me good night or look for me when they wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not there to kiss their boo-boos or hold them when they have their feelings hurt over a toy. I don't get to see their faces when they come running to show off their latest accomplishment. I don't see them smile at me as they walk out of their classrooms. I don't get to kiss their cheeks as they sleep and watch them smile their dreamy happiness as I whisper how proud I am of them. How can anything replace that? How? What fucking word can be spoken to make that memory go away? Go take your words and fuck yourself.
What makes me want to end it all? If that is still a question you have please feel free to leave.
I do not write this for attention. This is my therapy. I'm tired of knowing people hide their true feelings to keep from being judged by others. Judge me. I already have and I have found myself guilty of failing to up hold basic human requirements of providing for my family. I've all but taken my kid's future from them. San Diego will place me in jail and the Navy will kick me out before I retire in August. My kids will not get free college tuition and will lose their medical coverage. I won't be paying child support for a few months as I will be in jail and have no job for months after Iam released. My kids and the love of my life will suffer even more because of it. Yup. A future to be proud of.
I have taken the hurt that I felt and spread it like the plague to those I love most in this world. Fuck that's awesome! I couldn't handle the anger of one woman and ended up fucking-over her and my kids. Great.
So the pain of another is what keeps me here. I've done enough to my mother and sisters. I've placed my well being in the hands of others. If I feel down, I reach out. If? When. Want proof? I've reached out so often to those who offered to help me that I have used up my monthly cell minutes in a week and a half.
I am finally getting mental health for all of this and hope that I can surpress this worthless feeling enough to keep me from burning out my friends. I already feel my kids tiring of talking to me on the phone and know my ex never wants to talk to me again. I just want to make it a day without remembering what I used to be. I need the gray sky to cover the top of the mountain that used to be my life. I don't mind being stuck in this valley of emotions as long as I can't see the top of the mountains. Being reminded of the good times isn't so good anymore.
I have put on my happy face again. See. =) even =D I'm fine. Just needed to vent to no-one. Just wanted to talk to myself in public. I have to get used to it. People put more money in the cans of those who seem a bit touched. See, I'm already thinking of thefuture. I'm already thinking of my next job as a homeless bum laying next to the Starbucks in downtown San Diego. I'll smile my toothless smile while mumbling to my "kids" only I can see. I won't even feel the sunshine on my skin. That way I won't think of my real kids and lose my smile. People don't give as much money to the unhappy bums. That's just how it is.
I will never be able to win
Let me tell you a little story.
I try to commit suicide and it ends up involving my ex-wife. The statements the ex wife made said that I pinned her to the ground and cut my throat over her. Her words not mine. I run to hide and bleed out so I can die and SDPD ends up cornering me and taking me into custody.
I end up at Balboa hospital where a 5cm long 1/2 inch deep cut to my throat is sewn up with 6 deep stitches and 11 external stitches. I spend the next two or three days in Balboa as they observe how my neck is healing. I am assigned a 1-on-1 because I'm a suicide risk. I then get processed into the psych ward for more observation. Around 5 days later I'm informed I'm "fit for full duty" and will be court martialed and am taken to the Navy Consolidated Brig Miramar. I'm in "pre-trial confinement" awaiting my court martial on a number of charges. I'm in the brig due to being a flight risk, a danger to myself and a danger to others. I'm told I can receive pysch treament in the brig. I received NO TREATMENT for my mental health issues during my 3 weeks in the brig. They DO NOT treat detainees.
After 3 weeks of detainee status I'm informed the court martial is on hold and San Diego is pressing criminal charges. The Navy seems relieved since now they don't have to worry about convicting me to award me a Bad Conduct Discharge in a court martial. Now the Navy can just Admin Sep me after San Diego is done with me. Oh, did I mention I have over 19 years in the Navy? I informed that I am getting kicked out of the Navy one way or another. No free college tuition for my kids and no more free medical for them either. I could give a fuck about me. Remember, I tried to commit suicide. Why the fuck would I care about what happens to me? I'm too caught up worrying about my kid's future and how my ex is going to survive without my $1900/month in child support. I can't stop worring about her even as I'm facing a career death sentence. I am a fucking idiot.
I am arraigned in San Diego court and released until my next court date. The Navy finds fit to release me from the brig 3 days later.
Since being released from the brig I have continued to struggle mentally with a will to live. I have reached out to friends for support. I have even forced myself to leave the house to attend BBQs and dinners just to get out. All I care to do is die.
I say force myself since I don't give a fuck about doing anything. I can't call my kids and they don't care to call me anymore. Like I blogged before I'm just another chore to them.
Now I hear that my ex who I'm still in love with and who I still want to spend my life with thinks that I am out partying and in no trouble at work.
HOW THE FUCK DO I WIN? HOW DO I SHOW HER HOW MUCH PAIN I'M IN???
I try to end my life and all she sees is that I'm partying it up. To her I'm in no serious trouble with the Navy or San Diego. Her fucking reservist command is going to have me literally hanged at work and I'm in no trouble. You see, the Navy can court martial me AFTER San Diego takes me to court. No double jeopardy since San Diego is a city court and the military is a federal court. That's from Navy Legal themselves. Don't try to smoke pit councel me on this. I've talked to the people who will be responsible for defending me in the court martial.
I'm so tired of life. I've done nothing but bust my ass to make a failed relationship work and it's just not possible when she can't see me except with her dark colored glasses on. No matter what I do I'm out fucking around and living large. No matter WHAT I DO she can only see me as not giving a fuck.
It took everything I had to attend a birthday dinner and EBBQ with some mutal friends of my ex and I. I knew they were going to be judging me on what I did. I had to face them just to see how badly everyone saw me. I had already heard my ex was telling lots of stories about me at the Thursday Mira Mesa Bike Night.
I guess I should just sit in my room thinking of ways to die. All I'm doing is what I was taught to do in the pysch ward. I'm putting their coping skills to use so I can stop from hurting myself again. I call friends who offered to listen to me and I've gotten out of the house. FOR THIS I'M VILLIFIED BY HER AGAIN!!!!! This is what I've had to deal with for months. No matter what I do I'm WRONG! I'M ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG!
What do I do? All I want to do is prove that I'm worthy of her love. All I care to do is be her husband again and this is the shit I hear.
She thinks the Navy is not pressing charges. She thinks the 3 weeks I spent in the brig was my punishment. It was not punishment. It was pre-trial confinement. It was to protect her. Not that anyone gives a fuck about me. Not the Navy that's for sure. They don't give a fuck that I tried to commit suicide they just care that I "hurt my ex". Which I didn't do. She was not injured. That's her statement to the cops, that's the ambulance's statement and that's the official police report. She was not injured. I've never hit her. Funny how no-one will accuse me of that to my face. Take your fucking words and hide from me with them.
She thinks I'm in no real trouble with San Diego County either. LOL They are putting me in jail. It's just a matter of time. That's what the Navy is waiting on too. Once I'm found guilty the Navy doesn't have to do anything but process some papers and I'm Admin Seperated. Done. Saves the Navy the time of court martialing me. End of a once shining career. But no matter what she sits at bike night or on her Sunday Telegraph rides thinking I'm running around scott free without a care in the world. I can't win.
This is the shit my kids hear about me. It's no wonder they don't care to talk to me. I've got my 7yo girl asking if I'm in jail. I've got my 9yo boy saying he's getting a lawyer because Mommy said that if she dies in a car wreck they (the kids) are going to a foster home because I can't be their Daddy anymore. My 9yo boy wants a lawyer to fight for me to remain their Daddy. My 4yo boy asks me why I'm always crying and my 15yo daughter won't talk to me at all. Yup, father of the year material here.
Why the fuck should I want to continue living? The one person who I want to be accepted by can't see me at all. All she sees is her idea of who I am. Even after commiting suicide she can't see the pain I'm in. I love my kids so much and they are slipping away from me very quickly.
I'm going to fight to retire from the military my kids can have some sort of future. It will give them something positive to remember me by. That's my long term goal. Retire.
Fuck. I just can't believe how she sees me.
Just a dream
I woke up today wondering if I was waking into a dream. You see, in my dreams I had woken up already. I was trying to recall my dream and figured out I was still dreaming. I then woke up from my dream. As I awoke I soaked in the sounds and smells of the room and despair filled me. I was alone in my rented room in Chula Vista. I wasn't in bed with my wife and whatever child roamed into bed during the night.
Fuck.
I tried to go back to sleep. I never go back to sleep once I'm up. I used to think it's because I'm responsible and know there are things that need to be done. Now I know it's just another way that I punish myself. I force myself to live in the here and now vice being with my family via my dreams.
Dammit.
I just want to wake up to the smell of her hair. I want to wake up to the frequent kick in the groin from one of my kids. I long to wake up with my 4 year old boy or 7 year old girl sitting next to me as they press their nose on my nose and look deep into my closed eyes. They have the ability to see into my brain and pull me out of my sleep. OK. I exaggerate. They usually just pull my eyes open to see if I'm awake. I would love to wake up to make them breakfast.
So here I sit at the computer struggling to wake from this dream. Failed again.
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