Heading home!

Another Great Morning

Another no sleep night. I need to love myself instead of loving someone else. Guess it would help if I didn't see myself as a big piece of shit. I can't even look in the mirror without thinking poorly of the man I see. Guess the ex and I agree on that at least.

6 feet ain't so far down

Creed - One Last Breath

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Chorus

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out 'Heaven save me'
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Chorus (Repeat Twice)

I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking...

Chorus (Repeat Twice)

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe


I wish you cared to come hold me. I wish I didn't feel the need for you to hold me but I do. I'm surrounded by the same past as you. I'm not thinking of the bad times but I'm looking at the good times. So many smiles made between you and I. This hurts. I'd cry out if I thought you would hear. Maybe 6 feet ain't so far. I am not going to step into the shallow 6 feet. I may not have you holding me but I do feel too heavy to move. I'm heavy with guilt over how I've made you and the children feel. I can't do it again with them waiting for me. 6 feet ain't so far down, but I can't let them see that. I want you to hold me, but they need me to hold them. I'm down to one last breath. I want to whisper your name. My lips part to let out your name and I hear my name. I hear them calling to me. I'm stuck looking down with your name on my lips and I can feel their arms wrapping around me. Stay Daddy. please.

311 - Beyond the Grey Sky

This is a Myspace blog from Dec 5th. Guess I forgot to place it over here.



311 - Beyond the Gray Sky

It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through

Light a candle for the dead
The wick is burning returning what we have
It's who we are
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star

Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even
if you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue

Beyond the Gray Sky
Light a candle...
The wick...
It's who we are...

One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky

I can't believe you didn't call
What made you want to end it all
Wasn't there something I should have tried
To help you see beyond the gray sky
Here I am again.

Each day is another day looking for a reason to continue caring for another day. I am so grateful to my friends who have let me lean on them when I am feeling at my lowest. I'm sad to say that my lowest is becoming my normal. It is a chore to put on a smile and approach the world like a "normal" person. There are times when I feel happy. When Ifeel as normal as I remember I used to feel.

What I am figuring out is that these "happy"times are quickly and almost instantly followed by deep down times. One visualor one stray though of my ex or kids is all it seems to take to remind me of everythingI threw away. Everything I gave up.

I can see the clear blue beyond the gray sky. It's on the horizon. The warm sun-light is not blocked by the thick blanket of storm clouds. I can see it and remember what that warmth felt like. I can recall the heat on my skin just as I recall the heat from my kids as we sat and watched TV together. The clear blue sky. Behind me. It's harder to see every day. The memory of that warm sun is becoming less comforting each day. It's a sharp reminder of what I've fucked away.

I first recall feeling this way in the brig. Standing outside in the sun felt warm and comfortable. I'd imagine taking my kids to the beach & watching them play in the sand or running from the waves. Things I couldn't see agian. I took those future memories from my kids and can never return them. Someone else gets to share those sunrays with my family. I can see beyond the gray sky and I see that I am not in it with my family.

The pain of another is what keeps me here. The pain I have caused family and friends is my anchor to this hell. How can the spiritual hell be any worse then what I am feeling now? I find comfort in the gray sky now. It is a protective barrier from the pain of my memories. To forget is my only chance to move on. The clear blue is not welcome.

I will continue to put on a smile and walk among the living as an empty shell. I have given everything I had to a future that will never be. My future is comprised of knowing I'm being watched and evaluated. My future will always be empty and meaningless compared to the past. Jail is my future. Even if it's not a physical jail, as in San Diego's county jail, it will be a jail comprised of restrictions and limits on my fatherly abilities. I have given up the right to father my children and there is no way to get that back. How can I erase or minimize what I have shown them? I will always be their biological father but I gave up my status as their Mother's love and the man that is constantly in their lives. I am a weekend dad. I have become a choir to them. "Call your Dad" is another thing they have to do before brushing their teeth.

They already have forgotten that I am supposed to be with them. I have already lost them to the distance between us. They no longer feel the need to kiss me good night or look for me when they wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not there to kiss their boo-boos or hold them when they have their feelings hurt over a toy. I don't get to see their faces when they come running to show off their latest accomplishment. I don't see them smile at me as they walk out of their classrooms. I don't get to kiss their cheeks as they sleep and watch them smile their dreamy happiness as I whisper how proud I am of them. How can anything replace that? How? What fucking word can be spoken to make that memory go away? Go take your words and fuck yourself.

What makes me want to end it all? If that is still a question you have please feel free to leave.

I do not write this for attention. This is my therapy. I'm tired of knowing people hide their true feelings to keep from being judged by others. Judge me. I already have and I have found myself guilty of failing to up hold basic human requirements of providing for my family. I've all but taken my kid's future from them. San Diego will place me in jail and the Navy will kick me out before I retire in August. My kids will not get free college tuition and will lose their medical coverage. I won't be paying child support for a few months as I will be in jail and have no job for months after Iam released. My kids and the love of my life will suffer even more because of it. Yup. A future to be proud of.

I have taken the hurt that I felt and spread it like the plague to those I love most in this world. Fuck that's awesome! I couldn't handle the anger of one woman and ended up fucking-over her and my kids. Great.

So the pain of another is what keeps me here. I've done enough to my mother and sisters. I've placed my well being in the hands of others. If I feel down, I reach out. If? When. Want proof? I've reached out so often to those who offered to help me that I have used up my monthly cell minutes in a week and a half.

I am finally getting mental health for all of this and hope that I can surpress this worthless feeling enough to keep me from burning out my friends. I already feel my kids tiring of talking to me on the phone and know my ex never wants to talk to me again. I just want to make it a day without remembering what I used to be. I need the gray sky to cover the top of the mountain that used to be my life. I don't mind being stuck in this valley of emotions as long as I can't see the top of the mountains. Being reminded of the good times isn't so good anymore.

I have put on my happy face again. See. =) even =D I'm fine. Just needed to vent to no-one. Just wanted to talk to myself in public. I have to get used to it. People put more money in the cans of those who seem a bit touched. See, I'm already thinking of thefuture. I'm already thinking of my next job as a homeless bum laying next to the Starbucks in downtown San Diego. I'll smile my toothless smile while mumbling to my "kids" only I can see. I won't even feel the sunshine on my skin. That way I won't think of my real kids and lose my smile. People don't give as much money to the unhappy bums. That's just how it is.

I will never be able to win

Let me tell you a little story.

I try to commit suicide and it ends up involving my ex-wife.  The statements the ex wife made said that I pinned her to the ground and cut my throat over her.  Her words not mine.  I run to hide and bleed out so I can die and SDPD ends up cornering me and taking me into custody.

I end up at Balboa hospital where a 5cm long 1/2 inch deep cut to my throat is sewn up with 6 deep stitches and 11 external stitches.  I spend the next two or three days in Balboa as they observe how my neck is healing.  I am assigned a 1-on-1 because I'm a suicide risk.  I then get processed into the psych ward for more observation.  Around 5 days later I'm informed I'm "fit for full duty" and will be court martialed and am taken to the Navy Consolidated Brig Miramar.  I'm in "pre-trial confinement" awaiting my court martial on a number of charges.  I'm in the brig due to being a flight risk, a danger to myself and a danger to others.  I'm told I can receive pysch treament in the brig.  I received NO TREATMENT for my mental health issues during my 3 weeks in the brig.  They DO NOT treat detainees.  

After 3 weeks of detainee status I'm informed the court martial is on hold and San Diego is pressing criminal charges.  The Navy seems relieved since now they don't have to worry about convicting me to award me a Bad Conduct Discharge in a court martial.  Now the Navy can just Admin Sep me after San Diego is done with me.  Oh, did I mention I have over 19 years in the Navy?  I informed that I am getting kicked out of the Navy one way or another.   No free college tuition for my kids and no more free medical for them either.  I could give a fuck about me.  Remember, I tried to commit suicide.  Why the fuck would I care about what happens to me?  I'm too caught up worrying about my kid's future and how my ex is going to survive without my $1900/month in child support.  I can't stop worring about her even as I'm facing a career death sentence.  I am a fucking idiot.

I am arraigned in San Diego court and released until my next court date.  The Navy finds fit to release me from the brig 3 days later.

Since being released from the brig I have continued to struggle mentally with a will to live.  I have reached out to friends for support.  I have even forced myself to leave the house to attend BBQs and dinners just to get out.  All I care to do is die.

I say force myself since I don't give a fuck about doing anything.  I can't call my kids and they don't care to call me anymore.  Like I blogged before I'm just another chore to them.

Now I hear that my ex who I'm still in love with and who I still want to spend my life with thinks that I am out partying and in no trouble at work.

HOW THE FUCK DO I WIN?  HOW DO I SHOW HER HOW MUCH PAIN I'M IN???

I try to end my life and all she sees is that I'm partying it up.  To her I'm in no serious trouble with the Navy or San Diego.  Her fucking reservist command is going to have me literally hanged at work and I'm in no trouble.  You see, the Navy can court martial me AFTER San Diego takes me to court.  No double jeopardy since San Diego is a city court and the military is a federal court.  That's from Navy Legal themselves.  Don't try to smoke pit councel me on this.  I've talked to the people who will be responsible for defending me in the court martial.

I'm so tired of life.  I've done nothing but bust my ass to make a failed relationship work and it's just not possible when she can't see me except with her dark colored glasses on.  No matter what I do I'm out fucking around and living large.  No matter WHAT I DO she can only see me as not giving a fuck.

It took everything I had to attend a birthday dinner and EBBQ with some mutal friends of my ex and I.  I knew they were going to be judging me on what I did.  I had to face them just to see how badly everyone saw me.  I had already heard my ex was telling lots of stories about me at the  Thursday Mira Mesa Bike Night.

I guess I should just sit in my room thinking of ways to die.  All I'm doing is what I was taught to do in the pysch ward.  I'm putting their coping skills to use so I can stop from hurting myself again.  I call friends who offered to listen to me and I've gotten out of the house.  FOR THIS I'M VILLIFIED BY HER AGAIN!!!!!  This is what I've had to deal with for months.  No matter what I do I'm WRONG!  I'M ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG!

What do I do?  All I want to do is prove that I'm worthy of her love.  All I care to do is be her husband again and this is the shit I hear.

She thinks the Navy is not pressing charges.  She thinks the 3 weeks I spent in the brig was my punishment.  It was not punishment.  It was pre-trial confinement.  It was to protect her.  Not that anyone gives a fuck about me.  Not the Navy that's for sure.  They don't give a fuck that I tried to commit suicide they just care that I "hurt my ex".  Which I didn't do.  She was not injured.  That's her statement to the cops, that's the ambulance's statement and that's the official police report.  She was not injured.  I've never hit her.  Funny how no-one will accuse me of that to my face.  Take your fucking words and hide from me with them.

She thinks I'm in no real trouble with San Diego County either.  LOL  They are putting me in jail.  It's just a matter of time.  That's what the Navy is waiting on too.  Once I'm found guilty the Navy doesn't have to do anything but process some papers and I'm Admin Seperated.  Done.  Saves the Navy the time of court martialing me.  End of a once shining career.  But no matter what she sits at bike night or on her Sunday Telegraph rides thinking I'm running around scott free without a care in the world.  I can't win.

This is the shit my kids hear about me.  It's no wonder they don't care to talk to me.  I've got my 7yo girl asking if I'm in jail.  I've got my 9yo boy saying he's getting a lawyer because Mommy said that if she dies in a car wreck they (the kids) are going to a foster home because I can't be their Daddy anymore.  My 9yo boy wants a lawyer to fight for me to remain their Daddy.  My 4yo boy asks me why I'm always crying and my 15yo daughter won't talk to me at all.  Yup, father of the year material here.

Why the fuck should I want to continue living?  The one person who I want to be accepted by can't see me at all.  All she sees is her idea of who I am.  Even after commiting suicide she can't see the pain I'm in.  I love my kids so much and they are slipping away from me very quickly. 

I'm going to fight to retire from the military my kids can have some sort of future.  It will give them something positive to remember me by.  That's my long term goal.  Retire.  

Fuck.  I just can't believe how she sees me.

Still looking

I can't find any happiness when I look in the mirror.

Just a dream

I woke up today wondering if I was waking into a dream.  You see, in my dreams I had woken up already.  I was trying to recall my dream and figured out I was still dreaming.  I then woke up from my dream.  As I awoke I soaked in the sounds and smells of the room and despair filled me.  I was alone in my rented room in Chula Vista.  I wasn't in bed with my wife and whatever child roamed into bed during the night.  

Fuck.

I tried to go back to sleep.  I never go back to sleep once I'm up.  I used to think it's because I'm responsible and know there are things that need to be done.  Now I know it's just another way that I punish myself.  I force myself to live in the here and now vice being with my family via my dreams.  

Dammit.

I just want to wake up to the smell of her hair.  I want to wake up to the frequent kick in the groin from one of my kids.    I long to wake up with my 4 year old boy or 7 year old girl sitting next to me as they press their nose on my nose and look deep into my closed eyes.  They have the ability to see into my brain and pull me out of my sleep.  OK.  I exaggerate.  They usually just pull my eyes open to see if I'm awake.  I would love to wake up to make them breakfast.  

So here I sit at the computer struggling to wake from this dream.  Failed again.

Do you remember writing this song?

I remember when you wrote this song.  I remember how much love I felt for you when you shared it with me.  I wish I could feel that way again.

Make you mine

By Jayme/Sharkie

 

Once all the pieces

Fit up to a picture

The rest of the story was carried away

But I can’t find it now

 

I got you in my head

Big blue eyes and a perfect smile

Once you think about coming down from your cloud

Talk to me for a while

 

I never tried

No I didn’t try

And now it’s all gone

It’s all gone

Please tell me

 

 

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

I’ve always

I’ve always wanted to be with you

I always wanted you

 

 

I can see your face and

you keep looking at me

so what are you thinking

that’s something to say

 

but you can’t say it now

if I had you

next to me

maybe baby I could die

 

whenever your close I could breath you in

keep you there for a while

 

I never tried

No I didn’t try

And now it’s all gone

It’s all gone

 

 

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

Cuz I’ve always

I’ve always wanted to be with you

I always wanted you

 

 

 

I didn’t try

I never tried

And now it’s all gone

Please tell me

 

 

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

What’s it gonna to take to make you mine

Cuz I’ve always

I’ve always wanted to be with you

I always wanted you

 

 

I’ve always wanted to be with you

 

It’s true

No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life

My comments

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

I have been obsessed with you and our marriage for a long time.  I never skipped a chance to bring you up in a conversation.  How could I skip mentioning that I was married to such a beautiful woman?  A woman who used to be as crazy about me as I was of her.

I often wonder when I went from walking on shells to becoming the shells that are being stepped on.  I feel crushed with your every step away from me.

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

The simple things.  A wife and kids.  People who want me in their life.  To be needed.  I guess that's the problem.  I feel worthless without someone that needs me.  There's something that needs fixed.  I guess I need myself.

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

I am so ashamed.  I see how I got to this point and tried to stop it.  I changed.  I just didn't change fast enough to keep up with how quickly you changed towards me.  Your anger and disgust towards me is a drug for you.  You didn't want to come down from the high that it gives you.  No matter what I do you just feed off of thoughts of my past discressions to keep your anger towards me red hot.  The more I try to make things right the more you feed the flames with wood from the past.  How can I fight against that?  How can I hope to fight such a fire just with my tears?  How did I hope to fight that fire with my blood?  I should have known it was hopeless.

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

Why do I keep coming back for more?  Why did I stay around watching you drink knowing it was just going to end up with you yelling at me?  I was hoping that you would get it all out of your system and see that I was still standing there.  I told you before that I would take your anger and remain standing and waiting for you.  I failed.  I couldn't take any more.  I am weak.  I tried to shoulder your anger.  I don't know how you can hold so much of it at one time.  Your strength is truely amazing if you can shoulder that much hate towards someone.  I couldn't even hold a fraction of it before being crushed.  I am the shattered shells under my feet.

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I wonder if you would love me if it all started over again.  I know I would try to make you mine again.  Even knowing what I know now I would gladly try again.  I thought we were going to try again.  What a fool I was to believe that.  Why would you ever want me again?  Were you ever mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

I sometimes wish I could be more selfish.  I know commiting suicide is a selfish act when viewed from the outside.  You all see me as being selfish in wanting to take my own life.  Understand that I dont feel it's my life.  I gave myself to my wife even before our marriage in 2000.  I placed my family first.  I am not selfish.  I commited suicide to give my wife what she wanted.  Freedom from me.  I'm sorry.  My ex-wife.  My love.

I will always love you

311 - Love Song

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

This is how I have felt every time I was deployed away from you and this is how I have felt every moment of our seperation.  I have thought about you from the moment we met at the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base air terminal.  I have loved you since you 'bumped' into me as I 'slept' at sensor station two.  I have never felt this way about anyone else and cannot feel this way towards anyone else.  You are the beginning of my life.  I would not be the proud loving father of four wonderful children if not for you.  I will move heaven and hell to make you happy.  I love you, always.

Whenever I'm alone with you 

You make me feel like I am free again 

Whenever I'm alone with you 

You make me feel like I am clean again

I can never go home again.  This was something I knew before I tried to commit suicide.  It was the reason I tried to end my life.  I am not free without you.  I am not complete without you.  I cannot live without you.  

I wanted to show you how much pain I was in.  You have always been a person who wanted symbols of feelings.  A special phrase. A special act. You picked special days for events when you could.  You worked out numeralogy meanings for the kids so even individual letters were more important to you then my desires.  I have always been second to your needs.  I am second to your needs.

The only thing I ever truely placed above your needs was the needs of the kids.  In the end it would seem that I placed your wants above their needs too.  I wanted to show you how much you have been hurting me.  I tried telling you how much I was hurting over losing you.  I tried telling you that I couldn't stand losing the children.  I begged you not to take them from me.  You wanted to be with another man more then you wanted me to be with the kids.  You picked another man over me again.  I wanted.... I needed you to know how much pain I was in.  Words never are enough.  I had to show you how much I loved you and needed your approval.  

You had asked me to die before.  You asked more then once that I "go die" or "go kill myself".  You can kid yourself and say those were "drunk" words but we both know you only tell me your true feelings when you are drunk.  It's the only time you feel strong enough to tell me where I stand in your life.  I did kill myself trying to make things "right" for you.  I pushed and pushed myself to please you.  In the end they were not the symbols you needed to see that I loved you.  My mind fractured during that last argument we had.  I had to show you what my pain looked like.  I told you I'd die for you.  I am sorry I failed.  I tried.  I always try for you.  I did my best and came up short again.  Just another reason for you to not respect me.  You are right.

I'm Sorry

I am very sorry to my family for what I have put them threw in the past month.

I have taken my kid's father away. I have hurt the love of my life and will never be allowed to tell her how I feel. I have caused my Mother, Father and Sisters to worry about me way too much. I have also caused a few friends a lot of heartache as they went out of their way to help me. 

I am eternally grateful to my friends for the support they have given me. They have seen me at my complete lowest point of my life and stood by me to show me the way out of that dark place. My family was there holding me back up and leading me up. Because of them I have tried hard to make myself better. It's a constant, and I mean constant struggle to find reasons to stay here. 

I'd hate to admit this but there was no pain when I cut my neck. No pain as it healed. No pain except for the emptiness in my heart. No pain except for the weight of regret loading down my shoulders. No pain except for the hot tears that don't seem to stop pouring from my eyes at the thought of my children. No pain except for the sight of the love of my life at the opposite table during a court hearing. How can something that caused no pain be causing me so much pain. 

I let this happen. I let someone control my life and make me feel worthless. Worthless. Better off dead. Better to end my life then continue being hurt again and again. No wonder there was no pain in suicide. I was already in so much pain. I was exhausted. I tried over and over again to make things right. To make them work. To prove myself to someone else. I used my reserves and then some. I put on a happy face at work and continued to be full of life as my life was being eroded away with a constant stream of insults. 

I clung to my kids. I only felt good when I was with them. I only felt joy when I was doing something with or for my kids. They are my life. My empty life. I've failed. failed failed failure failure. I failed as a husband. I've failed as a father. I've failed as a son. a friend. a Sailor. I've failed my God and tried to commit the ultimate unforgivable sin. I've shown everyone that I'm a failure. Why did God protect me? What is the reason? Is this a form of hell? Am I as dead as I feel? Being without my kids and wife is my personal hell. Losing all respect at work is a lesser hell. 

My kids. My angels. I've failed you. I swore to protect you and I failed. I've taken myself from your life in a fit of insanity. I've allowed a depressed, desperate and crazed man to take your father from you. I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I'm not going to forgive myself. This is hell. Knowing that I can't feel the warmth of your hugs is dragging me back down every second of every day. Knowing that I cannot shield you from pain is causing me to cry over and over again. I've failed. 

I didn't mean to hurt anyone else. I am grateful that no-one else was physically injured when I tried to commit suicide. I was not myself. It's hard to stomach the emotional pain I have caused my family. I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could. I wish. I pray it goes away. I'm not sure if God is listening. I feel that he is. I feel that he guided my hand as I tried to take my life. He protected me as I threw my life and my soul away. Did he feel that it wasn't my time? Did he feel my pain and pick me up and carry me as I cried out in emotional pain and tried to end my life? I made a very deep cut that missed everything important. How? If it wasn't God then what? What was it that made me important enough to protect me from my cracked and broken self? 

God, what do you see in me that I cannot see myself? Please show me so I can make it another hour. Another day. Please show me so I can make it to another hug from my children. Please.