311 - Beyond the Grey Sky

This is a Myspace blog from Dec 5th. Guess I forgot to place it over here.



311 - Beyond the Gray Sky

It is a gift I know
A moment of bliss that we hold
A firecracker flash of light then on
To the next plane soul remain
Come along if you dare
It's gonna be that you're scared
Lovely life I thank you
For the reason to see the pain through

Light a candle for the dead
The wick is burning returning what we have
It's who we are
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star

Don't give up the fight to stay alive and even
if you have to
Find the reason of another's pain if they lose you
If not for your self then those around who care
like I do
One day you'll see the clear blue

Beyond the Gray Sky
Light a candle...
The wick...
It's who we are...

One day you'll see the clear blue
Beyond the Gray Sky

I can't believe you didn't call
What made you want to end it all
Wasn't there something I should have tried
To help you see beyond the gray sky
Here I am again.

Each day is another day looking for a reason to continue caring for another day. I am so grateful to my friends who have let me lean on them when I am feeling at my lowest. I'm sad to say that my lowest is becoming my normal. It is a chore to put on a smile and approach the world like a "normal" person. There are times when I feel happy. When Ifeel as normal as I remember I used to feel.

What I am figuring out is that these "happy"times are quickly and almost instantly followed by deep down times. One visualor one stray though of my ex or kids is all it seems to take to remind me of everythingI threw away. Everything I gave up.

I can see the clear blue beyond the gray sky. It's on the horizon. The warm sun-light is not blocked by the thick blanket of storm clouds. I can see it and remember what that warmth felt like. I can recall the heat on my skin just as I recall the heat from my kids as we sat and watched TV together. The clear blue sky. Behind me. It's harder to see every day. The memory of that warm sun is becoming less comforting each day. It's a sharp reminder of what I've fucked away.

I first recall feeling this way in the brig. Standing outside in the sun felt warm and comfortable. I'd imagine taking my kids to the beach & watching them play in the sand or running from the waves. Things I couldn't see agian. I took those future memories from my kids and can never return them. Someone else gets to share those sunrays with my family. I can see beyond the gray sky and I see that I am not in it with my family.

The pain of another is what keeps me here. The pain I have caused family and friends is my anchor to this hell. How can the spiritual hell be any worse then what I am feeling now? I find comfort in the gray sky now. It is a protective barrier from the pain of my memories. To forget is my only chance to move on. The clear blue is not welcome.

I will continue to put on a smile and walk among the living as an empty shell. I have given everything I had to a future that will never be. My future is comprised of knowing I'm being watched and evaluated. My future will always be empty and meaningless compared to the past. Jail is my future. Even if it's not a physical jail, as in San Diego's county jail, it will be a jail comprised of restrictions and limits on my fatherly abilities. I have given up the right to father my children and there is no way to get that back. How can I erase or minimize what I have shown them? I will always be their biological father but I gave up my status as their Mother's love and the man that is constantly in their lives. I am a weekend dad. I have become a choir to them. "Call your Dad" is another thing they have to do before brushing their teeth.

They already have forgotten that I am supposed to be with them. I have already lost them to the distance between us. They no longer feel the need to kiss me good night or look for me when they wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not there to kiss their boo-boos or hold them when they have their feelings hurt over a toy. I don't get to see their faces when they come running to show off their latest accomplishment. I don't see them smile at me as they walk out of their classrooms. I don't get to kiss their cheeks as they sleep and watch them smile their dreamy happiness as I whisper how proud I am of them. How can anything replace that? How? What fucking word can be spoken to make that memory go away? Go take your words and fuck yourself.

What makes me want to end it all? If that is still a question you have please feel free to leave.

I do not write this for attention. This is my therapy. I'm tired of knowing people hide their true feelings to keep from being judged by others. Judge me. I already have and I have found myself guilty of failing to up hold basic human requirements of providing for my family. I've all but taken my kid's future from them. San Diego will place me in jail and the Navy will kick me out before I retire in August. My kids will not get free college tuition and will lose their medical coverage. I won't be paying child support for a few months as I will be in jail and have no job for months after Iam released. My kids and the love of my life will suffer even more because of it. Yup. A future to be proud of.

I have taken the hurt that I felt and spread it like the plague to those I love most in this world. Fuck that's awesome! I couldn't handle the anger of one woman and ended up fucking-over her and my kids. Great.

So the pain of another is what keeps me here. I've done enough to my mother and sisters. I've placed my well being in the hands of others. If I feel down, I reach out. If? When. Want proof? I've reached out so often to those who offered to help me that I have used up my monthly cell minutes in a week and a half.

I am finally getting mental health for all of this and hope that I can surpress this worthless feeling enough to keep me from burning out my friends. I already feel my kids tiring of talking to me on the phone and know my ex never wants to talk to me again. I just want to make it a day without remembering what I used to be. I need the gray sky to cover the top of the mountain that used to be my life. I don't mind being stuck in this valley of emotions as long as I can't see the top of the mountains. Being reminded of the good times isn't so good anymore.

I have put on my happy face again. See. =) even =D I'm fine. Just needed to vent to no-one. Just wanted to talk to myself in public. I have to get used to it. People put more money in the cans of those who seem a bit touched. See, I'm already thinking of thefuture. I'm already thinking of my next job as a homeless bum laying next to the Starbucks in downtown San Diego. I'll smile my toothless smile while mumbling to my "kids" only I can see. I won't even feel the sunshine on my skin. That way I won't think of my real kids and lose my smile. People don't give as much money to the unhappy bums. That's just how it is.