I try to commit suicide and it ends up involving my ex-wife. The statements the ex wife made said that I pinned her to the ground and cut my throat over her. Her words not mine. I run to hide and bleed out so I can die and SDPD ends up cornering me and taking me into custody.
I end up at Balboa hospital where a 5cm long 1/2 inch deep cut to my throat is sewn up with 6 deep stitches and 11 external stitches. I spend the next two or three days in Balboa as they observe how my neck is healing. I am assigned a 1-on-1 because I'm a suicide risk. I then get processed into the psych ward for more observation. Around 5 days later I'm informed I'm "fit for full duty" and will be court martialed and am taken to the Navy Consolidated Brig Miramar. I'm in "pre-trial confinement" awaiting my court martial on a number of charges. I'm in the brig due to being a flight risk, a danger to myself and a danger to others. I'm told I can receive pysch treament in the brig. I received NO TREATMENT for my mental health issues during my 3 weeks in the brig. They DO NOT treat detainees.
After 3 weeks of detainee status I'm informed the court martial is on hold and San Diego is pressing criminal charges. The Navy seems relieved since now they don't have to worry about convicting me to award me a Bad Conduct Discharge in a court martial. Now the Navy can just Admin Sep me after San Diego is done with me. Oh, did I mention I have over 19 years in the Navy? I informed that I am getting kicked out of the Navy one way or another. No free college tuition for my kids and no more free medical for them either. I could give a fuck about me. Remember, I tried to commit suicide. Why the fuck would I care about what happens to me? I'm too caught up worrying about my kid's future and how my ex is going to survive without my $1900/month in child support. I can't stop worring about her even as I'm facing a career death sentence. I am a fucking idiot.
I am arraigned in San Diego court and released until my next court date. The Navy finds fit to release me from the brig 3 days later.
Since being released from the brig I have continued to struggle mentally with a will to live. I have reached out to friends for support. I have even forced myself to leave the house to attend BBQs and dinners just to get out. All I care to do is die.
I say force myself since I don't give a fuck about doing anything. I can't call my kids and they don't care to call me anymore. Like I blogged before I'm just another chore to them.
Now I hear that my ex who I'm still in love with and who I still want to spend my life with thinks that I am out partying and in no trouble at work.
HOW THE FUCK DO I WIN? HOW DO I SHOW HER HOW MUCH PAIN I'M IN???
I try to end my life and all she sees is that I'm partying it up. To her I'm in no serious trouble with the Navy or San Diego. Her fucking reservist command is going to have me literally hanged at work and I'm in no trouble. You see, the Navy can court martial me AFTER San Diego takes me to court. No double jeopardy since San Diego is a city court and the military is a federal court. That's from Navy Legal themselves. Don't try to smoke pit councel me on this. I've talked to the people who will be responsible for defending me in the court martial.
I'm so tired of life. I've done nothing but bust my ass to make a failed relationship work and it's just not possible when she can't see me except with her dark colored glasses on. No matter what I do I'm out fucking around and living large. No matter WHAT I DO she can only see me as not giving a fuck.
It took everything I had to attend a birthday dinner and EBBQ with some mutal friends of my ex and I. I knew they were going to be judging me on what I did. I had to face them just to see how badly everyone saw me. I had already heard my ex was telling lots of stories about me at the Thursday Mira Mesa Bike Night.
I guess I should just sit in my room thinking of ways to die. All I'm doing is what I was taught to do in the pysch ward. I'm putting their coping skills to use so I can stop from hurting myself again. I call friends who offered to listen to me and I've gotten out of the house. FOR THIS I'M VILLIFIED BY HER AGAIN!!!!! This is what I've had to deal with for months. No matter what I do I'm WRONG! I'M ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG!
What do I do? All I want to do is prove that I'm worthy of her love. All I care to do is be her husband again and this is the shit I hear.
She thinks the Navy is not pressing charges. She thinks the 3 weeks I spent in the brig was my punishment. It was not punishment. It was pre-trial confinement. It was to protect her. Not that anyone gives a fuck about me. Not the Navy that's for sure. They don't give a fuck that I tried to commit suicide they just care that I "hurt my ex". Which I didn't do. She was not injured. That's her statement to the cops, that's the ambulance's statement and that's the official police report. She was not injured. I've never hit her. Funny how no-one will accuse me of that to my face. Take your fucking words and hide from me with them.
She thinks I'm in no real trouble with San Diego County either. LOL They are putting me in jail. It's just a matter of time. That's what the Navy is waiting on too. Once I'm found guilty the Navy doesn't have to do anything but process some papers and I'm Admin Seperated. Done. Saves the Navy the time of court martialing me. End of a once shining career. But no matter what she sits at bike night or on her Sunday Telegraph rides thinking I'm running around scott free without a care in the world. I can't win.
This is the shit my kids hear about me. It's no wonder they don't care to talk to me. I've got my 7yo girl asking if I'm in jail. I've got my 9yo boy saying he's getting a lawyer because Mommy said that if she dies in a car wreck they (the kids) are going to a foster home because I can't be their Daddy anymore. My 9yo boy wants a lawyer to fight for me to remain their Daddy. My 4yo boy asks me why I'm always crying and my 15yo daughter won't talk to me at all. Yup, father of the year material here.
Why the fuck should I want to continue living? The one person who I want to be accepted by can't see me at all. All she sees is her idea of who I am. Even after commiting suicide she can't see the pain I'm in. I love my kids so much and they are slipping away from me very quickly.
I'm going to fight to retire from the military my kids can have some sort of future. It will give them something positive to remember me by. That's my long term goal. Retire.
Fuck. I just can't believe how she sees me.
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