Just a dream

I woke up today wondering if I was waking into a dream.  You see, in my dreams I had woken up already.  I was trying to recall my dream and figured out I was still dreaming.  I then woke up from my dream.  As I awoke I soaked in the sounds and smells of the room and despair filled me.  I was alone in my rented room in Chula Vista.  I wasn't in bed with my wife and whatever child roamed into bed during the night.  

Fuck.

I tried to go back to sleep.  I never go back to sleep once I'm up.  I used to think it's because I'm responsible and know there are things that need to be done.  Now I know it's just another way that I punish myself.  I force myself to live in the here and now vice being with my family via my dreams.  

Dammit.

I just want to wake up to the smell of her hair.  I want to wake up to the frequent kick in the groin from one of my kids.    I long to wake up with my 4 year old boy or 7 year old girl sitting next to me as they press their nose on my nose and look deep into my closed eyes.  They have the ability to see into my brain and pull me out of my sleep.  OK.  I exaggerate.  They usually just pull my eyes open to see if I'm awake.  I would love to wake up to make them breakfast.  

So here I sit at the computer struggling to wake from this dream.  Failed again.