I will always love you

311 - Love Song

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

This is how I have felt every time I was deployed away from you and this is how I have felt every moment of our seperation.  I have thought about you from the moment we met at the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base air terminal.  I have loved you since you 'bumped' into me as I 'slept' at sensor station two.  I have never felt this way about anyone else and cannot feel this way towards anyone else.  You are the beginning of my life.  I would not be the proud loving father of four wonderful children if not for you.  I will move heaven and hell to make you happy.  I love you, always.

Whenever I'm alone with you 

You make me feel like I am free again 

Whenever I'm alone with you 

You make me feel like I am clean again

I can never go home again.  This was something I knew before I tried to commit suicide.  It was the reason I tried to end my life.  I am not free without you.  I am not complete without you.  I cannot live without you.  

I wanted to show you how much pain I was in.  You have always been a person who wanted symbols of feelings.  A special phrase. A special act. You picked special days for events when you could.  You worked out numeralogy meanings for the kids so even individual letters were more important to you then my desires.  I have always been second to your needs.  I am second to your needs.

The only thing I ever truely placed above your needs was the needs of the kids.  In the end it would seem that I placed your wants above their needs too.  I wanted to show you how much you have been hurting me.  I tried telling you how much I was hurting over losing you.  I tried telling you that I couldn't stand losing the children.  I begged you not to take them from me.  You wanted to be with another man more then you wanted me to be with the kids.  You picked another man over me again.  I wanted.... I needed you to know how much pain I was in.  Words never are enough.  I had to show you how much I loved you and needed your approval.  

You had asked me to die before.  You asked more then once that I "go die" or "go kill myself".  You can kid yourself and say those were "drunk" words but we both know you only tell me your true feelings when you are drunk.  It's the only time you feel strong enough to tell me where I stand in your life.  I did kill myself trying to make things "right" for you.  I pushed and pushed myself to please you.  In the end they were not the symbols you needed to see that I loved you.  My mind fractured during that last argument we had.  I had to show you what my pain looked like.  I told you I'd die for you.  I am sorry I failed.  I tried.  I always try for you.  I did my best and came up short again.  Just another reason for you to not respect me.  You are right.